Somebody Kill Me
by Red Witch
Summary: The Brotherhood enjoy tormenting Scott and Xavier over the most recent events in the comic universe.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Marvel comics characters is off at a therapist's office. Now I know by now that you must have heard about what is going on in the X-Men comics. (If not this is a huge spoiler alert) And some of you might be upset. Only some of you. Think about it. Not everyone is upset at this news…**

**Somebody Kill Me**

"Welcome everyone to Brotherhood Talk," Todd grinned as he sat on a large couch with the other male members of the Brotherhood. "Where the Brotherhood talk about all the important issues of the day. Well the stuff that's important to us anyway."

"And the number one topic in the comics world is the Death of Professor X," Lance grinned.

"Murdered by his own student, Cyclops," Fred added.

"Or as we know it around the Brotherhood House, the best day we've had since we hijacked that ice cream truck and drove it into the Burger Barn," Pyro grinned.

"Oh we are so going to have fun with this," Pietro chuckled. "Especially Lance. Right Lance?"

"There are so many jokes I don't know where to start," Lance beamed.

"We should start by thanking the writers," Pyro suggested.

"Oh yes the **writers**!" Lance grinned. "Now I don't know where they got the idea to make the X-Men the bad guys and turn Cyclops into the biggest villain of all, but I have to say it's some of the most **brilliant **writing I have ever seen!"

"Genius," Pietro agreed. "Pure genius!"

"Sure beats that Shakespeare guy that's for sure!" Fred nodded.

"Oh yes, Thank you writers!" Lance beamed. "Thank you so much for dragging the X-Men's reputation through the mud. Thank you for making Cyclops look like a bigger tool than even I ever thought possible! Also thank you very much for him betraying his mentor Professor X and killing him!"

"Don't hold your breath on that Lance," Todd rolled his eyes. "It's not like Xavier hasn't been killed before."

"Yeah remember he got killed by Jean in the X-Men movie series?" Fred said. "But then surprise! He shows up taking over the body of this coma guy!"

"And wasn't he thought to have been killed in that Ultimate X-Men Comic but it turned out he was alive all the time?" Pyro said.

"Not to mention they thought he was dead or declared dead at least twice," Pietro said. "So you really can't take too much stock in the comics."

"That Ultimate comic also killed off Summers too but that was permanent," Lance said. "Another great piece of writing!"

"So far," Pyro rolled his eyes. "Let's keep our fingers crossed shall we?"

"Notice Marvel's been killing off a lot of their cash cows lately?" Todd spoke up. "I mean they killed off Colossus in the comic but brought him back. Wolverine dies and goes to Hell but he comes back!"

"When a guy is too violent and annoying for Hell that should tell you something," Pietro said.

Todd went on. "Killed off Northstar in the comic then brought him back. Killed off Spider Man in one comic universe but he's still running around in all the others. Nightcrawler bit the farm too but you know sooner or later **he's **coming back!"

"Along with a certain annoying fire bird woman whose name rhymes with clean," Pyro added.

Fred looked confused. "There's a Charlene in the comics? Who's that?"

"Let's go back to this version where Cyclops kills Professor X," Pietro groaned.

"Right stay on topic," Lance nodded. "Oh I just thought of another person I should thank! God! The power of prayer does work kids!"

"Okay that's enough!" Scott stormed on set. "Knock it off Alvers!"

"Oh look it's the murderer himself," Lance said. "Pull up a seat Summers and tell us how it felt to stab your teacher in the back!"

"I really **hate** these new writers," Scott grumbled. "Look technically it wasn't even me that did it! It was the Phoenix that possessed my body that killed Xavier!"

"Oh I see," Todd folded his arms. "When we cause mayhem and destruction we're bad and evil. But when you X-men do it you're 'possessed by an all-powerful cosmic force'. That excuse is getting pretty old!"

"Yeah nobody is buying **that **anymore," Fred shook his head. "And it's not like nobody didn't see it coming."

"What do you mean?" Scott asked.

"He means that you're so tightly wound it was inevitable that you'd snap like a Twix bar," Pyro said.

"Do Twix bars snap?" Todd asked.

"The do on the commercials," Fred spoke up.

"Yeah but do they snap in real life?" Todd said. "That's what I'm asking."

"I don't know. I never had…" Pietro began.

"WILL YOU ALL STOP ARGUING ABOUT CANDY BARS AND GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT?" Scott yelled.

"And there is that infamous Cyclops temper," Lance spoke up. "Yeah I can really see how that would come into play during the whole incident."

"This is ridiculous! No one believes any of this anyway!" Scott protested.

"Wanna bet?" Lance scoffed.

"Summers we took a poll and everyone agrees that you are most likely to go nuts and kill Xavier and everyone else," Pietro said. "Even more than Wolverine!"

"By twenty points," Todd said.

"Okay first of all I would never…Really? Twenty points over **Wolverine?"** Scott did a double take.

"Yup," Todd nodded.

"Wolverine? The guy with the temper and the pointy claws that has actually **killed **people?" Scott asked. "I scored higher than **him?**"

"That's right," Pietro grinned.

"Okay now I want to address the real truth about…Are you **sure **that's right?" Scott asked. "You must have made a mistake! You **have** to have made a mistake! Let's face it. Your collective math skills aren't that high."

"We ran it through two different computers five different times with the same results," Lance said.

"But really? I beat **Wolverine**?" Scott said. "That's ridiculous! Twenty points? One or two points maybe! I'd believe that. Three or four in the ballpark but **twenty**? That can't be right!"

"Summers it goes like this," Todd said as he counted off. "You, Jean, Kitty, then Wolverine. Everyone else is pretty equally tied at the bottom."

"Okay I get why Jean scored high," Scott said. "It's because of that movie. But Kitty over Wolverine? **Seriously? **How does **that **work?"

"Traffic accident," Todd said simply.

"Oh yeah," Scott realized. "I see it now."

"Actually we were surprised that Kitty didn't score **higher** considering all the traffic accidents she's **already** caused," Lance said.

"I'm surprised she hasn't already killed anyone the way that maniac drives!" Pietro agreed.

"And you're almost as bad a driver as Kitty," Todd pointed out. "So that's saying something!"

"Yeah! Wait a minute!" Pietro glared at Todd.

"I know my life feels like it's being shortened whenever she's driving," Scott shuddered. "Wait I got higher than **Kitty?**"

"Do you have a point Summers?" Lance asked. "Besides the one on your head?"

"I just can't understand why they portrayed me as so out of control," Scott said. "And killing Xavier? The man I always looked towards as a father figure? The man who rescued me, trained me to be the leader of the X-Men? I can't understand why they wrote it like that!"

"I can. It's called **irony,**" Pietro said. "That's why they wrote it like that."

"Like a Greek tragedy," Pyro said. "Only not so tragic for us."

"We're just saying that it all makes perfect sense if you think about it," Fred told him. "It's a violent conflict resolution of your father issues, your control issues, the relationships you have with telepaths. It's all there."

"What?" Scott shouted. "Blob have you been reading those Psychology for Dummies books again?"

"What do **you** think?" Lance groaned.

"You really think it's an accident that you fall in love with not one but **two** telepaths in that comic?" Fred asked. "Three if you count the Madelyne clone."

"I was thinking the same thing!" Pyro spoke up. "Part of him only feels secure when he is near a telepath. A telepath would help him control his dark pulses. And subconsciously he would grow to resent that even though part of him enjoys that passive aggressive nature of the relationship."

"Okay that is just insane!" Scott snapped.

"Is it?" Pietro asked. "When you go on a date, who chooses the movie?"

"Jean does," Scott blinked.

"When you go to a restaurant who chooses what to eat and where?" Pietro asked.

"Jean," Scott said.

"And when it comes to your private life…" Pietro began.

"Don't even go there!" Scott snapped.

"Denial!" Todd called out.

"I am not in denial!" Scott snapped.

"Oh you are so in denial," Todd shook his head. "Denying that you are in denial means that you are in denial."

"Let's just get back to the subject here?" Scott snapped. "On how the comic has gone completely off course?"

"Changing the subject to avoid talking about your denial issues," Todd went on. "Yeah that'll work!"

"I'm just saying when the X-Men start being the bad guys?" Scott glared at him. "And when did I become a bad guy? I mean this whole thing with Professor X is bad enough but come on! In this comic I act worse than…Well than all of you combined!"

"I know. Who'd have thought you would have had it in you?" Fred remarked.

"I know in the comics that Mutants are an endangered species and rarer than days Toad doesn't smell…" Scott said. "But when are mutants not an endangered species? Seriously? Is that a reason to put together a death squad to take out our enemies?"

"You really want an honest answer from **this group**?" Todd pointed to the Brotherhood. "Seriously? You might want to poll a different assortment of people."

"Hey if you're going to go extinct you might as well take a few dozen enemies with you," Pyro agreed.

"Let me rephrase the question…" Scott gritted his teeth. "Why are the X-Men shown to get out of control and have everything turn out wrong? Why are we the ones who are shown to go insane with power and abuse it making everything worse?"

"Because people have been paying attention all these years," Lance quipped. "There's been kind of a pattern."

"Please when have the X-Men let things get out of control?" Scott asked.

"Three words: Sadie Hawkins Dance," Todd spoke up.

"You guys are **never** going to let that go, are you?" Scott glared at him. "That was an accident! You guys have done worse over the years!"

"Yeah but people **expect** that from us," Fred told him. "When we screw up we're just fulfilling their expectations."

"It's people like you who hold yourselves up to a higher standard that take the fall," Pietro agreed. "Again. Irony. Love it!"

"We were thinking of making you an honorary member of the Brotherhood," Pyro said.

"I'd rather die," Scott glared at him.

"Then we are **definitely** making you an honorary member of the Brotherhood," Lance quipped.

"And now we're going to invite our two special guests!" Pietro said. "Magneto and the pseudo patricide victim…I mean Professor X!"

"Why are we doing this?" Xavier asked as Magneto wheeled him out onstage.

"I lost a bet," Magneto grumbled as he parked Xavier and sat down on the end of the couch. "And if I have to go through with this so do you! This is partly your fault after all!"

"How is this **my fault**?" Xavier asked.

"Your student is the one who goes crazy and kills you," Magneto glared at him. "How is this **not **your fault?"

"I never taught him to kill people!" Xavier snapped. "And blame the writers of the comic which quite frankly haven't done well since House of M!"

"That we both agree on," Magneto nodded. "Decimating mutant kind to near extinction is not one of our favorite topics."

"With one or two exceptions," Lance smirked.

"And thirdly in the comic Scott was possessed by the Phoenix Force! Technically not responsible!" Xavier made a point.

"Dude, aren't like five or six people possessed by the Phoenix Force at the same time in that comic?" Pyro asked. "And out of all of them the only one who kills you is Scott? Think about it!"

"After all these years Magneto trying to kill Xavier and get him out of the picture," Pietro added. "Here comes Cyclops and does it for you!"

"Why didn't you think of that?" Todd asked Magneto.

Magneto thought. "You're right. I **should **have."

"Don't you start," Xavier gave him a look.

"Well you have to appreciate the irony of the situation," Magneto shrugged.

"Xavier don't you think it's odd after all these years of having your favorite student protect you from Magneto, he goes and kills you off in that comic?" Pietro grinned.

"Not as odd as **you** making fun about Scott's **father issues**," Xavier gave Pietro a look. "Really? **You're **the one who is going on about **that** particular topic?"

"I'm not the one who killed my father!" Pietro bristled.

"Not yet," Magneto grumbled.

"Although I admit the thought is **tempting!**" Pietro yelled.

"Oh great!" Todd groaned. "Pietro can we not do this **now?**"

"No wait, Xavier did bring up an important point!" Pietro realized something. "I mean after all the crap my father has put me through in all the universes he lives and Xavier dies! Xavier's student who worshiped him like a freaking god is the one who kills him while Magneto who treats his number one son like number two in all senses of the word just goes on his merry way…"

"You just **had** to wind him up like that didn't you Charles?" Magneto gave Xavier a look.

"Just because your fake son killed you, you want Magneto's real son to do the same?" Fred asked.

"Please don't give the writers any more ideas!" Magneto shouted. "Let's get back on point shall we?"

"And what point is that Father?" Pietro glared at Magneto. "Oh wait, how about I never wanted you dead even though you seemed to want me dead?"

"Wait didn't your character try to kill off your Dad in that comic?" Todd asked.

"Depends on which comic you read," Fred told him. "I mean it is confusing. There are a lot of universes out there…"

"Let's just focus on the one where Summers goes more nuts than usual and kills off Xavier," Lance told them.

"What do you mean by more nuts than **usual?**" Scott shouted.

"You are nuttier than the Planters Peanut Family Reunion," Lance quipped.

"Yeah well you have more rocks in your head than an entire quarry!" Scott snapped.

"You are crazier than Crazy Carl McCrazy of the McCrazy Clan of Crazy Lane!" Lance snapped.

"That doesn't even make sense!" Scott snapped.

"Of course it does! You're just too **crazy **to understand it!" Lance made a circular motion with his finger by his head.

"You are the crazy one!" Scott shouted, his voice rising.

"Crazy!" Lance called out. "He's crazy! He killed Xavier so he's crazy!"

"That's **it!"** Scott snarled as he tackled Lance. "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"This is how I **thought** things would go on this program," Xavier sighed as the two boys fought in front of them.

"Xavier I think you put in too many subliminal mind control messages in Scotty Boy over there," Todd remarked. "You know? Overloaded his brain a bit?"

"I **never **put in any subliminal messages in Scott's mind," Xavier said.

"You might want to **start,"** Todd told him. "Just saying. Better to be safe than sorry. Or at the very least get him to a shrink."

"I hate to say this but Toad has a point," Magneto spoke up. "It's what I did with Wanda. Well I had Mastermind do it to Wanda…"

"And we all know **that** is going to blow up in your face sooner or later," Xavier gave Magneto a look.

"It's not like **you **were making any progress you know?" Magneto glared at him. "In all the years you were counseling Wanda you had as much success as the current presidential administration with the economy! Which as we all know is pretty much barely more than **nothing!"**

"I did what I could! I couldn't bring her to the Institute for fear of her endangering my students!" Xavier shouted.

"Oh yes. **She** was dangerous to your school," Magneto glared at him. "Not the woman who can control electricity and make it storm when she loses her temper. Not any of your other students who wrecked more personal property than Charlie Sheen on a bender! And certainly not from a certain amnesiac metal clawed Canadian feral who actually **killed **people and nearly kills people every time he runs a Danger Room session!"

"Perhaps if you were a better father Wanda would not be the mess she is today?" Xavier snapped. "Or Pietro!"

"Thank you! I'm glad **somebody** remembers me!" Pietro threw up his hands.

"DIE ALVERS!" Scott shouted as he and Lance wrestled on the floor.

"You want to add me to your body count? Not a chance!" Lance shouted as he fought back.

"Do you really want to go there Charles?" Magneto growled. "After the spectacular failure you made with your **own son?** You really want to give me **parenting advice**?"

"He's got you there Xavier," Todd called out. Then he looked at the other fight. "Whoa! Good right hook Lance!"

"At least I knew I **had** a son!" Magneto shouted.

"Barely," Pietro folded his arms.

"You screwed up your son's life way worse than what I did to Pietro and Wanda!" Magneto pointed at his friend.

"The jury is still out on **that** one," Pietro remarked.

"Whose side are you on?" Magneto yelled.

"I'm glad someone is taping this because I don't know which fight to watch," Pyro looked back and forth between the two fights. "Someone is taping this right?"

"Oh yeah," Fred pointed to a camera. "I got my cousins Bubba and Bubba Jr. doing it. Hey guys!" He waved to the camera.

"Whoa…Why is Bubba Jr. wearing a dress?" Todd blinked.

"Because she's a **girl,**" Fred gave him a look. "She has to go to a square dancing class after this."

"Oh. That explains the cowboy boots," Pyro blinked.

POW!

"Oh man! I missed the double punch those two gave each other," Pyro pouted.

"Don't worry. We have it on tape," Todd said. "We can review it later and put together a highlight reel."

"After I am done with you I'm going after those stupid writers!" Scott shouted as he attacked Lance again.

"Why are you so mad at them? At least they gave you a **personality** after all these years!" Lance shouted as he fought back. "Which is more than what you had before!"

"That's it!" Scott shouted as he pulled away. He tried to blast Lance with his optic blasts.

"Watch it!" Lance shouted as he dove behind the couch. "Let's rock this joint!" He used his powers to shake the couch.

"AAAAH!" Todd yelled as he was shoved toward Scott. He barely leapt out of the way as Scott blasted the couch.

Pietro, Pyro and Magneto jumped out of the way. And Magneto pulled Xavier's wheelchair to safety. Fred was not so lucky. "HEY!" He shouted as Scott's optic blasts hit him in the stomach. Fortunately his powers didn't do any damage.

Unfortunately for Scott, the combination of Lance's powers and Fred's girth was not a good one. "AAAAHHH!" Scott yelled as Fred landed on top of him.

THUD!

"Whoa…What a trip…" Fred moaned as he lay there.

"MMHHHHFFFFFFHHHH!" Scott cried out.

"Nice to see you're teaching your students how to control their powers for the benefit of humanity, Charles," Magneto said sarcastically.

"Guess that poll we took was accurate," Pietro gulped. "Freddy you might wanna let Summers up before he gets crushed to death."

"Do we **have** to?" Lance asked as he brushed himself off.

"On the other hand maybe a few minor therapy sessions couldn't hurt?" Xavier sighed.

"Ya **think?**" Todd yelled.


End file.
